Know your Man: His Mother

"He who takes the child by the hand takes the mother by the heart." Danish Proverb

“A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest." Irish Proverb

In the movie Runaway Jury, Gene Hackman’s character says to the cab driver: “it is better to have an unhappy mother than to have an uncooperative wife.” I fail to agree. A man’s mother is untouchable. She stands on a pedestal and we should accept that. His mother is a great person, no matter what we think. She is also a great part of his life, or at least she should be. She is also a great cook, even if you cook better.

Please, don’t even think about criticizing his mother, because to begin with, you will make him mad; then you will only make him feel divided and miserable. He shouldn’t have to choose between loving you and loving her, for it is totally unfair. His heart is big enough for these two distinct kinds of love.

His love is big enough that he can give it to you, his children and his mother as well. It is devastating for him to see competition between the two of you, and you, being the younger of the two, please, learn to respect the person who raised him so he could be who he is for you. And, if you think you can do a better job parenting, do so with your children.

My deceased mother-in-law, used to come to my house carrying a bag of old bread. She would hand it to me saying: “Here. I know there is no food in this house.” How did I feel about that? Furious. Though I now understand she was jealous of me, I could never understand why she was so mean. She hurt me more than once. Still, I should have been more careful when criticizing her to my ex-husband.

Now, my living mother-in-law, on a visit, started cleaning my house her way, and scolded me saying that her son deserved a cleaner house. She didn’t know my husband was the one doing the cleaning because I had to care for our infant. She hurt me. Still, I should have been more careful when criticizing her to my ex-husband.

However, each of them was generous their own way. The American one, once traveled from Illinois to upstate New York on a huge moving truck, to bring us some inherited furniture from her family. I appreciated that then, as I do it now. It is all a matter of accepting such a special person as she is. Remember, we might be in the same shoes some day.

As far as mother-in-laws go, I think the only one I know that was truly appreciated and loved by sons- and daughters-in law equally, was my mother. She knew how to please our husbands and wives, for she wanted to keep her family together. Up to date, there is not one ex-boy/girl friend or ex-wife/husband who can’t help but remember her with the utmost care and love. I just wish I’d do the same for my son.

The concern of many mothers is that they feel they lose their children when they marry and that can be hard for them. Alex, my son, is only 16 and I am already telling him that I will not let him marry any girl; I need to approve. Of course, this is naïve of me, and the way I am, I am not sure I will approve of anyone. Mothers are very endearing and can be very problematic and overbearing. Nevertheless, we need to learn to respect them for who they are. It is the least we need to do for our spouses.

A joke for you:
Fred and his family were having dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Fred received his plate he started eating right away.
"Fred, wait until we say our prayer."
"I don't have to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted.
"We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"But that's at our house," Fred explained, "this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."

A Word of Advice:

Ladies and Gents: Never, ever, accept a negative criticism about your mother, even if it is true. It won’t solve any problem; on the contrary, it may aggravate it. Do, however, hear what your spouse has to say in a very gentle way about your mother, and, if absolutely necessary, then, have them both speak with each other to solve their differences.

Do not interfere or you will get hurt and you don’t deserve that. Also, never, ever, forbid your children to visit their grandmothers, unless there is a history of drinking, drugs, violence, and/or neglected guns in their homes.

Ladies: Encourage your man to visit his mother alone, every so often. She will be grateful and you will feel like a million dollars.