Reaching Forgiveness
“How can I forgive my parents when they were so abusive to me when I
was growing up?” “How can I forgive my spouse for cheating on me?” “How can I forgive my best friend for abandoning me?” “How can I face and forgive unforgiving abusers and manipulators?” “How can I forgive myself when others do not forgive me and throw my
past in my face every chance they get?” These are some of the questions about forgiveness my clients have
asked me over the 37 years that I have been a counselor. We have all been told that forgiveness is good for the soul, and it is. Yet
forgiveness cannot be forced. We cannot will ourselves to forgive,
because if we try to deny the anger, blame and judgment that may still
be there, it is likely to come out at some point. So how do we reach
forgiveness? Forgiveness toward others is the natural outcome of forgiving ourselves
and of taking loving care of ourselves. When we judge ourselves, we
will have a tendency to project that judgment onto others, no matter how
much we tell ourselves that we have forgiven them. Let’s start with the first statement, “How can I forgive my parents when
they were so abusive to me when I was growing up?” My experience is
that as long as you continue to treat yourself in the abusive ways your
parents may have treated you, you cannot reach forgiveness. It is your
lack of self-care that perpetuates the anger toward others. As adults, we each have a wonderful opportunity to learn to treat
ourselves with the love, respect, caring and understanding that we may
have lacked as children. When we don’t do this, the past becomes the
present as we continue to abuse ourselves in the ways we may have
been abused, and then continue to blame others for how we end up
feeling as a result of our lack of self-care. “How can I forgive my spouse for cheating on me?” You will not be able
to forgive a spouse until you fully take responsibility for your
participation in the relationship issues that may have contributed to the
infidelity. There are always ways you did not listen to yourself or honor
yourself that put you in the position of being betrayed. As you look
deeply within and discover how you might have betrayed yourself and
learn to forgive yourself, you may reach forgiveness for your spouse,
even if you end up leaving the relationship. “How can I forgive my best friend for abandoning me?” The world tends
to mirror to us whatever is happening in our own inner system. When we
feel abandoned by someone, there is a good possibility that we have
abandoned ourselves – that we have failed to attend to our own feelings
and needs and have failed to be a loving advocate for ourselves. Once
again, you will discover that if you learn how to take loving care of
yourself, you will find your anger toward others gradually disappearing. “How can I face and forgive unforgiving abusers and manipulators?”
Others’ behavior actually has little to do with whether we choose to be
judgmental or accepting and forgiving. When we learn to be
compassionate rather than judgmental toward the wounded,
manipulative side of ourselves, we will naturally be compassionate
toward others’ wounded, manipulative behavior. Once again,
forgiveness is the natural outgrowth of doing our inner work, of moving
out of self-judgment and into self-compassion. “How can I forgive myself when others do not forgive me and throw my
past in my face every chance they get?” You will stay stuck in anger and
judgment, and in feeling like a victim, as long as you make others
responsible for whether or not you forgive yourself. Others’ forgiveness
has nothing to do with your own decision to judge or forgive yourself. When you learn to move out of judgment and into compassion – first for
yourself and then for others – you will find yourself forgiving yourself and
others. Forgiveness is the natural outgrowth of compassion.
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