UFO: How I Met Xrytspet

Years ago I tried to write a science fiction novel. I wrote seven chapters and went brain dead.

The novel was called The Glass Pool. There actually was a glass pool. I went out into the desert a couple of weeks ago to make sure I had seen the thing when I was a kid while out hunting Jack Rabbits.

The walked through the sagebrush to where the greasewood was high. I busted through it and found the pool.

The glas pool was filled with tumbleweeds and there was a dead coyote in the bottom. He had slid down into the thing and starved to death.

That’s when I heard this noise like the shaking of a Mexican castanet. I jumped back. Then I jumped again when I realized I had almost jumped right on top of a six-foot (1.84615 meters) rattlesnake!

The next thing that startled me was a voice that said, “Xen yftlc yuggi fonn ledscrit.”

I turned to see a 4-foot (1.230769 meters) woman. She said, “Sorry, wrong language module. My name is Xrytspet.”

She had lovely green hair that strangely went well with her metallic blue dress. Her voice was soft and sweet until she said, “What are you doing out here besides scaring the heck out of that rattlesnake?”

I wondered if she was dangerous with that strange pistol-looking thing hanging from her neck. I said, “What is that?”

She smiled and said back in her sweetest voice, “How rude of me. Would you like a Phendroop?”

Before I could say Jack Sprat Eat No Fat she had dropped a Phendroop from her Phendroop dispenser into my hand.

I didn’t know if the Phendrooop was poisoned or not, but I had to take the chance. I plopped it into my mouth.

She had a serious look on her face now. She said, “Most creatures don’t eat Phendroops. They rub them on their tummy. Sometimes we eat at one of your hamburger joints and the Phendroops help us to get rid of all that fat before it can clog our lynroorps.”

I felt a strange rumbling that started in my stomach and then oscillated violently down into my intestines. I rushed off to the far parts of the desert. I yelled, "Wait for me! I’ll be right back!”

When I got back to the glass pool, the little woman was gone.

I didn’t know her, but somehow I missed her yellow eyes and those cute little fur boots she wore.

I knew that nobody would believe my story when I got back home. My wife would say, “I hope you found what you wanted out in that godforsaken place.”

Head down, I walked back to my old blue pickup. When I got in the cab, to my surprise, there she was.

“What took you so long?” she said.

I said, “Who are you and what do you want from me?”

She smiled, “I just got here from Fanton in G10009845788899990766.”

“Why?” I said.

“I have a special assignment from the Supreme Central Amalgamated Galaxy and Planet Literary Team.”

“The what?”

“You were writing about us when you lived in Iowa. You know, your novel The Glass Pole

I corrected her, “The Glass Pool

“Whatever! Silzrack was your technical source. He caught your chickenpox and we had to zap him back home before he died. That’s when you went brain dead.”

“We call it “Writer’s block.”

She shook her heads sideways, “They sent me and I just got here. I assume that Silzrack just got to Fanton.”

“I hope he is okay, I said. Chickenpox can be deadly to adult humans.”

“Oh, he is okay. No problem there. He was frozen stiff as a block of Antarctic ice. No changes could take place in his body while he traveled. I just thawed out myself yesterday."

"Just yesterday?" I asked.

"I was never so glad to feel the radiation from your earth star."

She shivered.

“I put my FnL7 Time Craft in the back of your pickup. I hope you don’t mind.”

I looked through the back window. There was no Fnl7 Time Craft!

I tuned to her and instead there was my wife who said, “What took you so long? I hope you found what you wanted out in that godforsaken place.”